teach me to how to know what i like

It was tough to live under people's expectations. Today, it remind the pain which i forget it long time ago. I thought I have let it go and accept the result which have been arranged. But, I'm wrong and it is not until someone remind me it agian and again. Well, i know actually i just buried it in my heart.

I always feel im too naive like a kid. I should be more realistic or selfish like other who perform in the real life. Sorry to use "selfish" for the description if i hurt u because of this. I'm apologize here. It is not selfish, it is ur effort to achieve what target u want. Am i right? Yes, I am.

Someone told me, criticism is not only a bad things, it can be a good things as well. This is because it is good improve ourselves and we know which is our weakness in some circumstances. They tend to emphasize more on the outcomes at the end of the story, then they are overlooking the process, especially on how hard the person have tried in front of the story.

Same go to the expectation. People always expect something from someone, it is normal case and it happen in all the time. It is very ironic. U may feel hurt for those who hear about it. But, it ask to me to turn my mind, what people are expecting on u, do it mean they are envy on what u have and what u can do on it? That is why, expectation come to us.
With my effort, I know I not achieve everything, but i know i achieved something. And, the "something" may be is what other looking for. People may envy or jealous on u non matter how best u try to perform and make everyone happy.

Well, sometime, i really hope to say, i need a heart talk. I need someone to show me where i should go and what decision i should make. I hope to walk out from a person sees me as so one dimensional. Do i seeking for recognition? Well, i think i am seeking for trust and courage on myself.

i hope to believe and make sure i can achieve something, but it not come with a mind to ask how hard it is to be achieved before i try it. When u believe on something, i believe it can be happened. Well, i think it is the time for me to be brave and decide where i want walk to.

But, honestly, i have no idea where i want to go and what i like on it. How to decide the direction or make any decision? THAT'S IS THE MAIN PROBLEM.

I need a kind mentor to guide me and provide me some training, especially on testing myself about what i like or what i want, and also how to make a decision.

Someone told me, and i ask myself to please remember :
U can't satisfy everyone. But trust urself. U need to first try do something that u never done before. The world is weird. Once u get into comfort zone, u will be very hard to get out from it. Many kind of ppl out there, sometimes its not u must make everyone happy

哭着睡醒… 比吓醒更恐怖………

我从来没有想过什么是哭着睡醒的感觉，我觉得我不会有那么戏剧化的经历。但是不知道什么时候，我真的体验到这种戏剧化的感受，张开眼睛的时候，我的眼角是湿的，泪是大滴大滴自动地留下，还是停不下来的那一种感觉。当下的感觉很平静，没有格外的害怕或伤心，就想不停地流泪哭醒着……

这次应该是我活了那么多年以来少之又少的第3次。这种哭着醒却不知道为什么哭泣的感觉，是比被吓醒还要让人感觉害怕和毛骨悚然，因为你根本不知道为什么自己在哭泣……

今天，在印象中的第三次哭着醒发生了。张开眼睛的时候，泪水还没有贸然而出，之后的两秒钟，它大滴大滴留下来了。这次，我记得我梦见什么，我更加心疼地哭着。其实，这是用字眼难以形容的感觉，当下其实那股心疼却没有到我想流泪哭泣的程度，但泪水好像自动滑下……

思考和犹豫了30分钟，我还是决定拿起电话致电回家。或许，像妈妈告诉我的，近期的压力太大所造成的，不要想太多。

我梦见自己，我快坐牢了。梦里的朋友，我没有看过，但他们却在当时告诉我，他们帮不了我，为了局面，必须牺牲我，就像电影里的卧底感觉一样，在做探视。里面的我感觉，根本不是我的错或我需要承担的背负，但为求当中的探测，我愿意甚至沉默接受。当下的我，还没有什么感觉。

踏出那商量的房门，我看到了妈妈和阿姨。走到妈妈前，我还是一样平静的脸。妈妈抓着我的手，说……他没有足够的基金保释我，现有的钱只足够把我带离监牢，但还是不足够，我还是必须在警察局的牢房里带上一天，我还是会留下被关和坐牢记录。

当下我哭了……我看大妈妈很紧张，哭得很无助……因为妈妈和阿姨在里头让我感觉他们的心疼，疼到我也痛了……我的前途就这样没有了，好好一个大学毕业生，才刚毕业，什么都还没有开始搓，就这样完了……留下了案底……

现在，我回想：真的心疼和爱你的人，是想尽办法让你不要哭泣的。

里头的妈妈一直和我道歉，说她的不足和没有足够的款项……还说，没关系，没什么大不了，没有人相信你，妈妈相信你，我知道你，不管别人或全世界怎么想。你还是我的宝贝女儿。

妈妈，如果是我心甘情愿为工作这么做，却没法对你坦诚，让你心无比的疼了……对不起。你还是一样，一直一直包容我的叛逆和决定。你真的很爱我。我相信，不管是梦或不是梦，你一定会是这样做。真的心疼和爱你的人，真的是想尽办法让你不要哭泣的。

那句 “我知道和我相信” 比什么都赢入我心。最强大的力量不是屡战屡败再站起，而是你相信和一直相信，知道你完成和套现。被捧在掌心疼惜和相信的感觉，最好最好了。

哭着睡醒… 比吓醒更恐怖………

Be soft. U are responsible to treat people good no matter how.

Sometime, talk dont too shape. People don't like. Soft a bit. Boy and girl also happy. Tihs have to learn for u. Because some time u talk too shape, people feel not comfortable. Talk sofft always can tipu orang. Make them happy. When they happy and u will feel better. This will benefit both sides. If anything they willing to help also. Because they feel u not in their gang so they not connected well with u. Have to join them more. Ya. Put urself soft. Talk soft.

 

我跟你讲，这招很好用的，很好骗人的。

 

U are responsible to treat people good no matter how.

Senior，congratulations！happy graduation！

突然觉得自己和可悲，不再用可怜来形容自己，可怜是拿到同情的。但我不觉得我可以拿到同情或我值得被同情。

我到底是不是选错，也做错了？为什么如果我错了，却没有愿意主动拉我一把？我心很沉痛。这不是我可以忍耐的沉重和沉闷，是一种发觉性的可悲，像是老人坐在一旁哭泣，什么经过的人都无能为力。就象现在，我只可以坐在四四方方的电脑前，对着自己的部落说话一样。

一小时的沉淀过后，我好多了。我必须成熟，承受和承担。这是我该负的责任，是我的举动才完成一切的游戏，游戏才有这样的发展和衍生，不管游戏怎么样了。就象我说过的，你把多少时间给了别人，别人就把多少时间给你……对，是我也没有把时间给了他们。

就像他告诉我的，好可怜，回到这里，没有人可以找或陪伴……他说，他的同学全部回来跑去喝茶，聚会和唱k，他不喜欢这些……他也不喜欢和他们一起……所以，现在的他都忙工作，专注于事业，麻醉自己，他也很享受……

而我呢？我常会回来这里写写，不是只因为发泄出闷气，虽然我是那种这里说说发泄完就没有的家伙。我喜欢记录下每件事情，我知道不管收获是好是坏，我总从中学会一些事，都有所收获，就像翻阅故事书一样。

这几天，大家都在忙毕业典礼的事情。 Senior自然忙打扮盛装出席，准备4年寒窗苦后的承认。 Junior 自然忙筹办和出席他们的毕业典礼，握手，礼物和诚信道谢。当然，我也不例外。虽然话是这么说，但是我应该算是例外。

大家成群地出席senior的庆典，看看senior的同时，也让自己给senior看看。我以为大家相约的时间就是时间，我错了。我看到大家都已经拍照聚会，此时此刻我发现唯有我不在相片里，我也不知道还有第二个相约的时间。一切都是我以为。我承认我错了，因为我都”以为“，却没有去求证。

心情像过山车掉入谷底…心都觉得自己可悲……我有这么不讨人喜欢吗？我有错吗？还是我错了？我不应该选择撤退，我应该继续守候？如果我坚持了热脸贴冷屁股的事，是不是就不一样的？不会有现在的烂心情？那谁承担和我如何承担过程的不好受？我的心太小了，我太小气了，我真的需要反省和一个导师的洗脑。

此时此刻，我发觉，原来坚持对别人好不是最糟糕的事情，别人不对你好也不是最心酸的问题……最心疼的是，你没有对别人好而伤了自己。

什么都不想说……什么也不想去思考和考量……只想在心里默说：“hey！congratulations！happy graduation！” 还有，加油！未来的路，还远着呢！不管遇见什么好的或不好的，记得，笑！给自己做一个最好的自己！还有，献上一个最真诚开心的笑容给他们看。=）

Senior，恭喜毕业了！还有，谢谢你们一路走来给我的指点和疼爱。谁在我脑海里，我比谁都清楚知道，更知道你们曾经给我的帮忙，劝告和分享。

如果早知是这么一回事……我就应该用室友当借口，因此去那里走一趟，看看一下……









（ 其实，我只想和我脑海里的他们，拍一张照片，为自己放上网络，标记一个可贵的故事……算了。 ）

不停地询问和关心就是衡量着你多么在乎吗？

刚才上传了一张薏米凉茶的照片，我是这么想的，我也是这么些的……我说：就知道，眼睛告诉我说，今天有一些小的好东西会发生… 终于发生等到了……薏米凉茶！这应该是我最后几个月的福分吃到路边无意间捡来的好东西了…谢谢！！！好吃好喝！！！

有人这么问，那么容易满足？我说，朋友…… 人的心可以很大，也可以很小，看你自己要一个怎样的心。当你嫌弃自己破烂的鞋子，羡慕着别人有一双漂亮的鞋子的时候，这世界上还有人没有脚可以走路。有些人，可能要吃都吃不到咯！哇哈哈！但是，我有。

我本身是相信自己直觉的人，尤其是我的眼睛。不是仅仅因为我看得，反而眼眉跳的玩意，对我来说，真的太准确的。有些人说是因为我劳累，生活作息不统一健康的关系。也有些人说是自己的疑心病，觉得它准就是准，这像是地心引力法则一样。你相信，或许因为你努力就会发生，或许因为你的努力而它真的不发生。

Erm …… 就看你自己如何看待！没有对错之分！笑！

生活上，常常一些小东西，我总看见很多体验和故事。或许是我想象力里太丰富，也或许是我想太多了。一份礼物的筹备和筹备人过程的话可以评价了这礼物的价值，这是我的想法。就算礼物在眼前了，你有，我有，大家有……总是看见不一样的东西和感觉。

有些人，让我看到，不停地询问和关心就是衡量着你多么在乎吗？不过问就表示不在意？我的嘴角笑了。我很感触，这一幕幕触动我的心和想法。我说……你留了多少时间给别人，别人就收下多少时间给你。静下这一秒，问问你自己，你把多少自己的时间给了别人？

或许别人只是发泄当下的情绪，我却把别人想坏了。

想想一下，你把多少时间给了自己？又把多少时间给了别人？ 有些人，不许你要求，早就预定把时间给你。有些人，就算你开口要求了，也在可以选择之下把时间给了别人。这就是所谓的不同。你看到不同了吗？

我觉得自己很小气很小气。我比任何人还清楚自己的性格与个性，一旦我要做了决定，谁也难以说服和改变我的决心。那天起，我说我放下了，我说我不理了，我说我累了，我说我不要……我就真的不奢求再要了。

突然觉得自己很孩子气，像孩子一样，不要和你好或不要和你玩的心态一样。或许是吧！我就是孩子气！我就是小家子气！但，我比谁都知道过去的那种随时守候 stand by 的预待感，都从来不推搪的准备，多么劳累……我不怕吃苦劳累，最痛的是，从来没有被放在心上，从不像你把他人放在心重要和预待……

我记得那一幕，我记得那个感觉，在你眼前说着他们的故事，我听着，我笑着……当我说起我的故事的时候，虽然你不在故事中，就像我缺席你的故事一样，你们那股傻眼，说不知道我在说什么和不认识我故事当中的主人翁，那瞬间的白眼和翻身，就算只有几秒……还有你们的结伴和计划，我听着和知道着，最后礼貌上的邀请让我感觉的施舍……心，多疼，多难受……

没人懂，我也不想有人懂。虽然你们都说，我不会参与，甚至说我偏重其他……参不参与在于被邀请人的回复，不是邀请人的决定……邀不邀请不在于被邀人的决定，也是邀请人的抉择……有想过吗？为什么别人总不把时间分给你？为什么别人总把时间给了他人而不是你？

我承认……当我把时间预备给你们的时候，我感觉我从不被珍惜，就连开口要求都变成乞求的错觉感……我能怎样？继续候命？还是选择让自己过好一些和好过一些？只能说，就像妈妈说的，人和人之间还是需要一些缘分的牵连，或许缘尽了，无缘，缘分到此。

心，始终还是偏向一边的。我，还是选择离席，如果我感觉不到自己的存在感和开心。对不起。我小气，我幼稚。但是，放心，你们继续，也不用担心我，我会过的好好的。 =）

我真的要不起……我也不要了……对不起。我，离席。

有力量的语言

爱不是生日蛋糕，越切越少。
爱是生日蛋糕上的火焰，越给越多。

一个后父说的话：
不幸家庭的孩子是无辜的，可怜的，给我带回来的，都是我的责任。

最有力量的语言不是一味向前冲，
而是像打拳一样，收回来再放出去，这样可能才最有力量。

闭嘴，不是沉默寡言，
而是把我们额度耳朵打开，把我们的心打开，自信就在我的身上，从来没有这么强大过。
当我在打开口说话的时候，我应该做到保持个性，张弛有度，进退有序，不失自然。
我认为，这就是最有力量的语言。

人，不是靠某一种方式去赢得什么，而是靠自己的个性的魅力。

会说话不重要，
重要的是，你敢不敢说话，敢不敢说你内心真正想说的话。

人生有很多起伏转折：
起伏的时候需要一些坚持，
转折的时候需要一些顺意。

人不应该去找借口，去照自己认为正确的做就好了。

放慢你的脚步，等一等你的灵魂。

咬牙站立的那一天，就注定了不平凡，
哪怕一句简单的问候，都是一种力量。

About choices, decision and understanding. To be or not to be?

Life is full of choices. Depend on how u going to choose and be a ur decison maker. By the way, this come a question in the mind, try to think it now, who will always stand on ur shoes and support ur decision before u request the understanding from them?

Well, for my view, it is a good question!

People who know me, they know I'm hard to make decision even my leader highlight "make decision is a challenge for a leader which he/she needs to do it so". Throwback all the times that i have been went through, I'm always be good and listen the heart from others, then try to achieve it, not for others but also for myself.

There is a promise which i almost forget about it. Now, it is what we work hard on it to make it come true. Life is a no end cycle, it keep on repeat, but different and special for everyday, such as the obstacle that we meet in life. The more the difficult it is, the high the value it is, it mean the more the feeling and experience we gain at the end. So, think positive and find out the plus point on every incident. Life is about to create miracle.

I'm going a big program before I graduate and end my university life. Honestly, I do not know why I insist on it non matter what ad-hoc problem keep on happen to block the way. The date of the program keep on changing from september to actober, october to november... End up, we have no choice and move it to november and the date is exactly crash on the trip that i promise my friends for one year ago.

Actually, I'm sad on it. Not only because I break the promise and can't have a vacation with my friends although some of them can understand my situation, moreover I know I cant put away this program just because of the trip and friends. I not dare to tell my real feeling to anyone, but i told my mom about this before. She ask me think on which one is more important and I still can go travelling anytime as i want in life. Ya, she is right. I know which decision i should make. And, actually i know where i should go before i ask her. May be i just need a talk.

I'm sad because I break one of the promise for myself. How long i have looking for it? May be only I'm the one who know it. I like to run here and there to somewhere that i never step in before. To see something new, to try something new, to feel somethng new, to extend my mind and heart. After i graduated, do i have time to do that so?

Sure, i can. But, no, i not think so. Just ignore me, because emotion is disturbing my mind now.

Until now, the program is not fully well solved, but we still work very hard for it. I'm the first one who break the promise and can't go for the trip. It is followed by my friends. I'm not clear on their situation now, may be they have something to bother them as well, so they are forced to absent in the trip like me.

All expenses of the trip are still shared together for those who going or not going for the trip. I can understand the reason behide the story when i receive the message from my friends. Well, who understand what im thinking now? i smile on this when this question come to my mind.

Life is full of choices. Non matter what decision u have made, u need to carry the responsibility for it until the end. This is what i know.

For a person who can understand others well. To be or not to be? For u who is reading this article, which one u will choose? To be the one who understand others? Or u perfer not to be the one who understand others and u are requesting other to understand u?

Althought im hoping for something, may be just a talking moment or understanding, but im not going to request it. Take it easy. Life still on. Sure u gain something which is out of ur expectation on the way. Smile.